That Stupid 'No Crossovers' Rule
by Sophie6
Summary: Just wanted to try a little parody for a change


1 Title : That Stupid 'No Crossovers' Rule  
  
Author : Sophie  
  
Pairing : Not really…not what you're expecting anyway  
  
Spoilers : Kind of S7  
  
Genre : Parody  
  
Feedback : Always ! sophie_limbourg@hotmail.com  
  
Rating : G  
  
Disclaimer : Everything belongs to Joss & Co.  
  
Distribution : Sweet Release, FFLovers, FF.Net. Just ask if you wish to have it.  
  
Buffy and Dawn were upstairs when the doorbell rang.  
  
"Dawn !" Buffy yelled. "Could you get the door ?"  
  
"I can't," the teenager answered. "I'm not finished making my hair all shiny."  
  
Buffy sighed and went downstairs, remembering with nostalgia Season 1, 2, 3 and 4 when she was not supposed to have a sister.  
  
She opened the door.  
  
"Spike !" she gasped. "What are you doing here, you evil bloodsucking fiend…and a pig."  
  
Spike cocked his head, smirked and raised an eyebrow, all his sexier facial expression at the same time.  
  
"Hello Slayer. Miss me?"  
  
"No!" Buffy said quickly, but Spike knew better than that. In the Buffy vocabulary, no always meant yes.  
  
"Aren't you going to invite me in?"  
  
"Well, I never de-invite you, so you can come in if you wish. But you're still a pig. And I'll never, ever kiss you again, even if I hear that Michelle Branch song.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sod off. I just came to get my leather coat back, so I can walk in the dark with it floating around me."  
  
"That's not you, that's Angel at the end of his credits."  
  
"Bollocks, you're right. And there's no way I can go visit him, because of that stupid 'no crossovers' rule."  
  
"Where have you been?" Buffy asked, wanting desperately to jump Spike's bones but retaining herself, because it's wrong, and you know…Evil.  
  
"I've been to Africa to get that bloody chip out. Or that's what I made everyone believe. So I could come back and get you what you deserve."  
  
"What? I deserve what?"  
  
"How the bleedin' soddin' hell would I know? They made me say that so it would end on a huge cliffhanger and they would be sure everybody will watch next season."  
  
"So, are you de-chipped, now?"  
  
He made that sexy smirk of his that made her heart beat faster – not that she would admit it, because it's wrong, and you know…Evil.  
  
"Cor, I have absolutely no idea. But I think I have a soul."  
  
Buffy looked into his wonderful big blue eyes to see if he was saying the truth. But she was also distracted by the fact that his shirt was half-open and discovered his fabulous alabaster chest.  
  
Dawn came down at this moment.  
  
"Spike !" she shrieked in that really annoying voice of her.  
  
"Hey Nibblet ! How are you doing, Snack Size ? I just came back to get my coat."  
  
"You mean, you're not staying?" said Dawn, aka Little Bit, and she started whining.  
  
"Sorry, Pigeon, but no. I'm a vampire with a soul now, so there's a chance I can go brood on my own show. I'll come visit you sometimes, but only if I'm on the same network, because of that stupid 'no crossovers rule'.  
  
Xander and Willow arrived at that moment.  
  
"Spike! Spike is back!" yelled Xander, stating the obvious as usual, or just in case everyone had gone suddenly blind. When you live on the Hellmouth, you're never too careful. Strange things happen on the Hellmouth. That was even the school's motto.  
  
"Hey, Red, Whelp!" greeted Spike, again with that heart stopping cocky smile. "Where's the other witch?"  
  
Willow gasped and her hair and eyes went black.  
  
"Oh my God, Xander, do something!" Buffy yelled. "She's doing her Mortician routine again!"  
  
Xander grabbed Willow by the shoulder.  
  
"Willow, stay with us! I love you, I love you, I love you!"  
  
Willow calmed down. Everyone sighed with relief, except Spike because he didn't know what the Bloody Hell was going on, and Dawn because she was too busy whining.  
  
"What the Bloody Hell is going on, here?"  
  
"Well," Buffy told him, "After you left, Tara was shot and she died. I was shot too, but I survived because you know, been there, done that, and it would start to get boring. So Willow saved me, then I went back home and made my hair all curly before stopping the world from ending again, but this time the Big Bad was my best friend, so it was all very emotional.  
  
Xander raised his hand.  
  
"It's the Xand-man here who saved the world, this time."  
  
"Right" said Anya, who had just arrived. Xander proved himself useful for a change. All he had done so far was giving me a lot of orgasms."  
  
"I did that too,» Spike said.  
  
"You're a pig, Spike" Buffy said, though she remembered fondly her own orgasms with Spike but she dismissed the thoughts because it was wrong, and you know…Evil.  
  
With no particular reason, Buffy put her coat #123 on (since technically this is episode # 123 and she has a different coat in every one of them).  
  
"What are you doing here, Spike?" Willow asked.  
  
"I just came to get my duster. But it seems more easy to have my bloody soul back then my coat." He turned to Buffy. " Slayer, will you get me my soddin' leather coat back, already?"  
  
She gave him a murderous look.  
  
"All right! You disgusting, soulless…"  
  
She stopped, corrected herself.  
  
"…Soulful thing."  
  
She sat down, put her head in her hands.  
  
"I wish Giles was here." she sighed.  
  
"Wish granted."  
  
Suddenly, Giles appeared out of nowhere, looking surprised.  
  
"What happened? I didn't do any teleportation spell."  
  
He was so troubled he started to clean his glasses furiously.  
  
"Hey Giles!" they all greeted him, except Willow because she was rather embarrassed, after al she had tried to kill him rather viciously not so long ago. That kind of behavior doesn't do any good for your social life.  
  
At that moment, Angel and Cordelia arrived.  
  
Spike eyed Angel leather coat. If Buffy wouldn't give his back, maybe he could steal the Poof's one?  
  
"Angel! Cordelia! You're not supposed to be here, because of that stupid 'no crossovers' rule!"  
  
"We know" Angel said. "But Cordelia had a vision about your sister being in danger."  
  
"Really? That's horrible," Buffy said, pretending to care. " But today is Monday, and Dawn only get in troubles on Tuesdays. So we have time."  
  
Dawn wasn't listening, she was watching with great interest the teenager who had come in with Angel and Cordelia. She forgot to whine, and hoped her hair were shiny enough to impress him.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Buffy suspiciously, because she didn't like the way he was watching at her sister. After all Dawn were only 15, and she wasn't supposed to know anything about s-e-x.  
  
"I'm Steven…Connor…Steven…Connor. Whatever. I'm Angel' son."  
  
Everyone's faces were a complete and utter shock.  
  
"A son? You have a son?"  
  
"Right, you don't know that," Angel grumbled, "because of that stupid 'no crossovers' rule. Well, yes, I have a son. He used to be a baby, but then he got kidnapped and thrown in a Hell dimension…and he came back like this."  
  
"Wow" Anya said, "It's just like in 'The Young and the Restless'."  
  
"That's exactly what I thought,» Cordelia said.  
  
"So, you lived in a Hell dimension?" Dawn asked Connor/Steven timidly. "I know a little bit about Hell Dimension. I can open them."  
  
Connor/Steven just nodded, completely hypnotized by Dawn's beauty. Or he was just blinded by the shiny-ness of her hair.  
  
Angel suddenly caught his reflection in the window (he didn't reflect in mirrors but sometimes he did on widows and glass doors).  
  
" Damn! I forgot to put some hair gel! I'll be back in five minutes."  
  
"Angel, wait!"  
  
Too late. Obsessed with his hair, Angel hadn't noticed it was bright sunshine out there. Bye bye, Angel.  
  
"Bloody Hell!" Spike muttered. "I didn't have the time to steal his Hugo Boss' coat."  
  
"Crap!" Cordelia complained. "Now I'm left all alone to raise a teenager."  
  
"Yeah, I know the feeling," Buffy said, putting her hand on Cordelia's shoulder, and the two former cheerleader turned Slayer and half- demon/champion bonded for the first time in their life.  
  
But then Buffy saw Connor and Dawn making googly eyes at each other.  
  
"Hey ! Stop that! You can't fall in love, because of that stupid 'no crossovers' rule!"  
  
She sighed.  
  
" That's too bad. I sooo wanted to see Angel's face when he would know Spike and I were having crazy wild naked sex."  
  
"Well," Cordelia said, "He too wanted to see your face when he would tell you he was having crazy wild naked sex with me."  
  
All eyes turned on her.  
  
"What ? You and Angel?" Xander shrieked. "First Buffy and Spike, now you and Angel? Aaaargh!  
  
That was too much to take for poor Xander. He fainted.  
  
Willow rushed to him but Spike got there first.  
  
"Xander! Bloody Hell, wake up!  
  
Everybody was now watching Spike and Xander. The vampire had take Xander's head in his lap and was caressing his forehead.  
  
"Come on, Whelp," he said tenderly, "Open your eyes."  
  
"Spike?" asked Buffy, surprised. "I thought you had come back to be with me?"  
  
He gave her a disdainful look (but still in a sexy way).  
  
" Of course not. I'm done being your soddin' whipping boy, Slayer. Xander has always been my true love. I'm sorry, but I think I'm GAY NOW.  
  
"Hey!" Willow said, "That's my catchphrase!"  
  
Meanwhile, Xander had regain consciousness.  
  
"Xander, pet. Are you all right?"  
  
Xander sat down, confused.  
  
"Spike? Why are you looking at me like that?"  
  
"I came back for you. I've always loved you, Xander. Please say you love me too."  
  
"Oh, Spike!"  
  
They kissed passionately. For a moment, Buffy felt furious and betrayed, but then she thought it was all for the best, considering being with Spike was wrong, and you know…Evil.  
  
A rising romantic music was heard as Spike and Xander got up and walked hand in hand in the sunset. They were so blissfully happy that they forgot Spike was a vampire and oops, big mistake again, the only thing left for Xander to do was to register as mister and mister Big Pile of Dust.  
  
Buffy put her coat back (#124…No, wait, she already had # 123 on…oh, what the hell.)  
  
"Well, people, that was another merry day on the Hellmouth."  
  
But her smiled was forced. After all, she just had seen her two ex-vampires- lovers die in less than ten minutes.  
  
"Poor Buffy" whispered Anya to Willow. "All the men leave Buffy. It's sad. I wonder what's wrong with that girl."  
  
"Maybe it's her."  
  
"Or maybe it's Maybelline."  
  
Willow went to Xander and tried to comfort him. They finally got married and she claims everywhere she is STRAIGHT NOW.  
  
Giles decided to stay because he realized he loved Anya and they lived happily ever after in the Magic Box.  
  
Dawn stopped whining and married Clem. But she couldn't stop stealing and Clem and her became the Bonnie & Clyde from Sunnydale.  
  
Buffy was so sad and depressed she let herself die, so she could eventually going back in Heaaaaaaaaven.  
  
And Cordelia and Connor/Steven…Well, they went back to Los Angeles and stayed there because of that, you know, stupid 'no crossovers' rule. 


End file.
